Of all the things about myself that I wish I didn’t have — unusually dark body hair, a beauty mark on my butt, and toes that are almost longer than my fingers, there’s one trait that’s even more irritating… and it’s not one I was born with. This trait has reared its head in all of my relationships for as long as I can remember — girlfriends, family members, and of course, intimate relationships with men.
The trait? An addiction to chaos.
This addiction I speak of wasn’t conscious. I never realized what was actually happening when the need to create chaos interjected — in fact, I first would assume blame on the other, and then eventually began playing victim — WHY ME. POOR ME. ME. ME. ME.
It wasn’t until I was well into my twenties (okay, very close to that big 3-0) that I got it under control and took action to make the beast go to sleep. I say “sleep” instead of “killed”, because it’s still inside me and I work hard to not wake him.
Like many of my friends, my parents separated before I was six. They fought all the time — over money, over time, over household responsibilities, etc. But conflict resolution — learning how to “kiss and make up” — was not something I ever witnessed.
In my late twenties, I found that when things started to get intense and I felt any bit of fear (whether with a girlfriend, boyfriend, or family member), I got really good at running away. I would leave the house, restaurants, dinners, etc. No matter what the conflict, if there was any form of tension — my body told me to run and I was OUT. I honed my fight or flight instincts, with an emphasis on flight. Of course my immediate inclination to flee meant that my mind didn’t get a chance to realize that by RUNNING, I am only making the tension last longer and intensify.
My upbringing was normal — nothing was so terrible! I was never physically abused, money was never tight, and I always had access to food, water, and even mental health counselors. So when I say I didn’t feel safe growing up, I don’t mean that I feared for my life. I just mean, I lacked basic security that a child needs.
Security.
Nothing was ever certain in my life. Life was unpredictable, a back and forth between mom and dad, sporadic road trips or flights.
I made the rules.
I didn’t get to homework until after dinner (if I did it at all), which was sometimes by myself and consisted of cereal and milk. And while I thought that was “fun” as a child, I realized it just primed me to find comfort in chaos.
I had friends who had such “normal” lives. They came home from school and immediately dove into their homework before being allowed to touch the television or computer. Their moms were always on time to pick them up, their lunches were exactly the same day after day, and they ate dinner as a family every night.
As a child, I didn’t want their “normal” lives. As an adult? It doesn’t look so bad.
I don’t know what other relationships look like, but I know for me – my biggest work – that you will never see online (Instagram or Instagram stories) has been to not perpetuate chaos, to not run, to not hide.
To face the difficulty situation, conversation, or moment.
And through this, I have found that a more “boring” life isn’t so boring after all.
Evan and I just moved to DC and while creating a life for ourselves, and being away from my own family, has given me the wings to really create the life I want to have – both for myself, for Evan, and for our future family.
I like that there can be a Sunday where I just sit on the couch with Evan and we watch ten back to back episodes of Law & Order SVU. I like that we plan things in advance and I’m FAR less impulsive than I used to be.
I like that I know where my money is, I pay my bills on time, and that I’m not flying by the seams of my pants.
I think it’s all a balancing act and I am so delighted to say that at this point in my life, I am addicted to peace – and it feels damn good.
What are you experiences with chaos? Can anyone relate? Leave your comments below if you wish to share 🙂
As always, thanks for listening and coming down this thought trail with me!