Welcome back, friends. This is the second blog pertaining to pregnancy. The first one was about my fearful start, trying to conceive, and all those details. If you missed it, catch it here. This one

This installment of my pregnancy journey is the REAL zinger I couldn’t wait to share with you – because WOW, your girl was NOT expecting the first trimester to hit like a tornado. and I promise I will be THE TRUTHIEST with you, so that if you’re there now, trying to conceive for the first time soon, or just curious- you won’t be left in the dark like I was.

To better understand why I was so grossly under-prepared I didn’t expect everything that came with the first trimester, we should probably START with and what I did expect.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: PREGNANCY IS HARD FOR REASONS OUTSIDE OF PHYSICAL BODY CHANGES

I think pregnant bodies are absolutely beautiful!!!! I always have. I love that rounded belly 🤰, and I’ve always found myself feeling very uncomfortable when hearing a pregnant woman call herself “gross” or “fat.” Not only is it NOT GROSS, AND NOT FAT– but it always left me at a loss for words when in truth, all I see, is PURE RADIANCE and the miracle of life (a little cheesey, but true). P.S. Can we normalize NOT talking about our bodies in a self-deprecating way (in pregnancy or ever!?!?!)

I digress. The fact is- the biggest complaint I’ve heard time and time again from family, friends, and strangers is that PREGNANCY SUCKS because of the physical changes. Naturally, I thought the most obvious part would be the hardest part.

With so much body image and food work in my past, I felt VERY secure that I wouldn’t be one of the women who hated pregnancy, simply because I looked forward to a changing body and that beautiful rounded belly!

Of course, I’ve also heard women mention the awful morning sickness that comes with it. While I HATE being nauseous/vomiting and make a very dramatic sick person, I assumed that like all the other women who have been there, I could get through a few weeks of said “morning sickness” – I mean, how bad could a few hours each day be? (HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. just wait.)

Since growth excited me and I felt I could manage just a few hours per day of being sick, I believed (here comes the critical mistake!) life would continue as usual until the baby arrived 9 months later.

I had 9 months to PREPARE for the “big change.”

THE TEA: Long before the body changes, LOL, even LONG BEFORE THE NAUSEA, I learned that life HAD ALREADY CHANGED. AND ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT BODY CHANGES AND NAUSEA BEING THE HARDEST PART OF PREGNANCY – THOSE CHANGES ARE JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!

THE HARDER PARTS WOULD BE THE PARTS THAT ARE HARDER TO EXPLAIN. THE PARTS THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE. THE PARTS THAT TERRIFY YOU AND MAKE YOU FEEL JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE EXCEPT FOR CAPABLE AND EXCITED.

Immediately, nothing about life was the same – from my thoughts, my beverages, my food, my (beloved) skincare routine, and pretty much all the self-care I do for my mental health-every.single.thing.shifted.

… and instead of being a green-smoothie-drinking-yoga-doing-meditation-goddess who speaks to their body via intuition …

I felt like I was ejected onto another planet – naked, with none of my luggage.

OH! AND I COULDN’T TELL ANYONE!

FCK. THIS IS HARD.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: MORNING SICKNESS IS NOT EXCLUSIVELY IN THE MORNING

Nausea began at 5-6 weeks. At first, I was excited to feel something – it confirmed that this was real AND that it was progressing, as most of you know from reading this blog post, this was a fear of mine.

But after a few hours of the onset, nausea stayed – PERMANENTLY. I was WILDLY confused – MORNING SICKNESS I was prepared for, but ALL DAY AND NIGHT SICKNESS? WT(actual)F!

I remembered my friend Molly mentioning that she had “night sickness” – I never asked questions and just assumed that for some, nausea comes in the morning, for others in the evening.

NEVER DID I IMAGINE THAT THE NAUSEA COULD NOT ONLY STAY DAY TIL NIGHT BUT THAT IT COULD LINGER FOR WEEKS ON END. (yes, LOUDDDD caps intentional.)

Chronic nausea (never throwing up, by the way) was debilitating. I couldn’t get out of bed, I spent all day clutching my stomach and praying for relief.

This lasted for 12 or so weeks. I’m currently writing this at week 16 and although I still get nauseous, it is FAR more manageable and I’ve been able to resume life with some normalcy – and eat things other than salt and bagels (in case it’s not clear yet, salt and bagels are the real MVPs of my pregnancy thus far).

The point is. Morning Sickness is a terrible name for what really happens (for some). It can be all-day sickness. It can include vomiting, but not always. and for some women, this can last an entire pregnancy. Oh, I wish I knew that.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: IT’S NOT EASY TO EAT “NUTRITIOUSLY”

… AND THIS IS COMING FROM A KALE-LOVING-NUTRITIONIST WHO HARD QUIT DIET COKE AT LEAST 15 YEARS AGO.

I always imagined I would look and feel like a goddess while pregnant…

You know, the Insanely long, thick flowing hair that I’ve been trying to achieve for the last 3 years.

Nails like a wolverine.

Vegetables – oh, so many vegggieeeess🥦🍅🥒!!

I imagined my skin would have that post-facial-spa-day glow, but all the time. I was READY!

As a dietitian, I know the importance of a healthy, well-rounded diet and I envisioned IMMEDIATELY embracing dietary changes to ensure that baby’s development was prioritized – most notably eating wild-caught salmon 3x a week for quality DHA to support the baby’s brain. All that “outer wisdom” as we call it in modern mindful eating – I knew it and was ready to implement it to create a healthy and happy baby!

I obvy had it all figured out.

Narrator: she had nothing figured out.

As soon as that nausea hit, so did my ability to be that active and nutrition-focused pregnant lady! and my skin, lol, it did not look exactly like I had expected 🤣. In fact, I neglected skincare all together for 2 months.

I was horizontal, in bed, for 98% of the day – my one source of gratitude stemmed from the fact that I work for myself, and from home, whereas MOST pregnant women have to commute, work (and are expected to perform as usual), and STILL can’t tell their employers. I feel for you if that’s what you’re going through (or went through).

Other than that, I was unable to pull any “wellness woman” vibes from myself. One time, in a moment that I (still) cannot decide I am proud of or really ashamed of, I ordered a $50 grilled lobster to my house from a local restaurant because I had a lobster craving. Other than that, fish was OFF THE MENU.

My best friend Jaclyn is a few months ahead of me. I remember for a few weeks in her first trimester she worried that she hadn’t gotten a vegetable in. She confided in me, and I provided her some “easy SNEAKY tips to add them in!” — put them ON your bagel, hide them IN your smoothie — yada yada yada.

That advice – in retrospect – is hilarious because it is useless. Until you experience this specific type of nausea, it’s impossible to fully understand how intolerable certain foods are. AND HOW OKAY IT IS THAT YOU WILL NOT EAT THEM DESPITE HOW “GOOD FOR YOU” THEY ARE.

In fact, the only thing “GREEN” I consumed was a can of Ginger Ale. The real kind, not the “natural alternative” Evan came home with one day that almost led to divorce (kidding, not kidding, mostly kidding, GIVEMETHEREALSTUFFORDON’TCOMEHOME).

Despite the nutrition knowledge I have, the ACCESS to wholesome organic foods, basic (but good!) cooking skills, and the usual interest in veggies and dislike of soda – my first-trimester diet consisted mainly of bagels, pretzels, wraps eaten COLD and plain, white rice with soy sauce, and some tangy fruits like oranges/kiwi — and soda.

This was hardly the diet I envisioned for myself back in grad school as I sat in “nutrition during the life cycle” taught by Dr. Sporny at Columbia University.

Veggies- Yuck. I couldn’t stand hot foods, I had NO interest in sweets, and suddenly, the craving my mother-in-law told me she had when she was pregnant for Bananas + Sour Creme (together) didn’t sound so awful.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: EATING IS KEY TO CONTROLLING THE NAUSEA

I had to learn how to eat to put nausea at ease. This means eating WAY more frequently than before – and making sure that my blood sugar never dropped, not even a little. Basically, every hour on the hour.

Eating became a full-time job and my mornings consisted of waking up, eating a bagel with cream cheese (later on I’d add a tomato), followed by my morning nap. LOTS OF SLEEEEEEPIN!!! When I woke up I was ready for my late-morning snack, etc.

I kept pretzels and crackers in my bedside table and was constantly reaching for handfuls at a time – even after I had brushed my teeth and was about to fall asleep I’d cram a few in my mouth.

To be clear, I wasn’t necessarily hunger or ravenous all the time – but I found that I had to be chewing and eating something more times to keep nausea at bay. A very interesting personal lesson.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: YOU HAVE TO EAT BEFORE YOU’RE HUNGRY AND OFTEN

Oh, it was justttt a tad ironic that I had JUST launched my latest program, FTN Hunger + Fullness (the next class launches March 21!!) This course is about teaching my students to listen to their bodies – specifically reconnecting them to their OWN cues that send signals for hunger and fullness to restore a gentle, easy, loving, and NOURISHING relationship to food (and life!).

The course work stemmed from years of self-study on my own body AND teaching clients how to restore the mind-body connection. I’m a firm believer that when we understand the body, we can be the ones who decide exactly what, how much, and when it needs food.

But suddenly, I was at square one. Unsure of how to care for my body and REALLY unclear when the right time to eat was – worst of all, unable to tap into my usually very salient body cues for guidance.

I’d have to learn what to do by first getting it wrong.

I learned quickly that waiting for my normal sensation of hunger to arrive would be TOO late.

From the second I woke up, I had to start plotting what to eat eat and make sure I got it immediately.

I was a student in my own course.

On my bedside table, I kept the goods. A bag of Mighty Mills pretzels, sour preggie pops, and sour gummy candy. Despite not being hungry, consuming these foods was part of my “feel okay” plan. It’s worth mentioning that I normally I don’t even like candy!

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: IT’S LONELY AS FUCK

I don’t mind being alone, in fact, I like my solitude and am a firm believer that alone does not mean lonely!

But suddenly, despite having an additional heartbeat somewhere within me, I developed a deep sense of loneliness. It didn’t help that all my usual self-care tools were unavailable, I was living in a lot of fear, and I was very unable to tap into the things that make me feel like me.

During the first trimester, you’re advised not to tell anyone due to the high chance of miscarriage. But not only did I feel detached from many of my friends with who I normally SHARE every little detail of my life – I also felt detached from Evan.

Sure, he was SUPER helpful and compassionate, bringing me ice water at 5 am before he went into work, but I felt so ALONE that despite “doing this together” he couldn’t possibly understand what this felt like.

It’s not that I wanted him to feel it too, or that I felt burdened by this—but I just wanted the person I could talk to to understand this on a personal level. I also felt nauseated by his usual shampoos, conditioners and largely pushed him away when all he was trying to do was help.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: LIFE CHANGES FAR BEFORE THE BABY IS BORN

Overnight, many of my favorite things were unavailable.

I stopped moving my body – I couldn’t actually move my body.

I quit caffeine ☕. I’m going to explain this one in a different blog post since current recommendations suggest limiting (not cutting out caffeine).

I had to say goodbye (for now!) to my daily sauna sessions (which, if you know me, were SO much more than just sweat sessions).

Put away my life-changing CBD SLEEP gummies. Goodness, if you’re not pregnant PLEASE run, don’t walk on buying these!! (Code: Lisa15 for a discount!)

My insomnia was/is awful – waking up every hour on the hour, and then starkly at 3, 4, or 5 am with NO relief.

Life was different in every single way and it became clear that I had already said goodbye to the life I knew just a few weeks ago, never having carried life before.

While I don’t feel like a “mama” as everyone keeps calling me, I don’t feel like I did before either.

Life changes quickly – lemme tell you that. One minute your biggest worry is if that second cup was the reason you can’t sleep at night and the next is fear you pooped out your baby (true story, and no, I did not poop out my baby).

Suddenly I wasn’t worried about anything from the “old world” – the only thing that mattered was the life that I was creating and protecting.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: YOUR AUTONOMY GETS COMPROMISED

Perhaps the most hair-pulling was the fact that I felt like people had a lot to say about my choices over my body.

There were a few times I consulted with loved ones about some personal decisions that I’d have to make. I learned pretty quickly that if I didn’t want to feel frustrated/resentful of my loved ones, it’d be best NOT to consult with them, and stick with doing my own research, and gut instincts.

While everyone had the best of intentions and only want to keep the baby safe, I felt annoyed to have so many people try to nudge me about what is best for me (and baby) and felt it clouded my intuition and judgment (and made me just want to do the opposite of what everyone said).

It also made me feel unseen – like everyone forgot that I mattered and was struggling too.

While I know this wasn’t the case, it was the first time I felt ownership over my body and my health and my DECISIONS had been compromised.

But that’s only because of what I was doing – which was asking for opinions.

Time to connect to me, my intuition, and make choices that support both me and the baby.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: YOU MAY NOT FEEL CAPABLE RIGHT AWAY

As I spent most of my time in bed, out of routine (and normal life) my thoughts began to sour and my energy got stale. I worried about my capabilities to do this – to carry a baby and become a mother.

On top of that, I felt that I resentful at myself for not being HAPPY at this stage, when so many struggle to even get here! I WAS LUCKY!

Having made it to the 2nd trimester I can tell you that feeling capable (and all the fun things) come back. It’s normal to have doubts. There are big changes, hormones, and lots of things happening as your baby is being created.

WE HAVE TO JUST TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME.

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED: PREGNANCY IS MORE THAN JUST NAUSEA AND CRAVINGS

THE LIST OF SYMPTOMS GOES ON AND ON FROM THE MOMENT YOU CONCEIVE, NONE OF WHICH I EXPECTED TO HAVE ON THE LEVEL I EXPERIENCED THEM TO.

THIS INCLUDES BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO:

• Body odor
• Gas
• daily Sneezing that hurt my uterus (and left me terrified that I had heard the baby)
• Burps – and burps that get stuck in your chest at night !??! (super uncomfortable)
• Sore breasts (most tolerable of all symptoms!)
• Insomnia – HOLY F*CK THE INSOMNIA
• Food aversions/cravings – these changed each week–I found a love for spicy pickles, pepperoncinis, and hated HOT food. I was super grateful when my sister-in-law dropped off “ketchup chips”!
• Facial hair – this one hit early. Hello, new black sideburns welcome to the party 🎉
• Thick vaginal discharge (sorry TMI, but I promised to be TRUTHY)
• Bloody noses and nasal congestion
• Incessant thirst – that carried through the middle of the night
• Hypersensitivity to smell
• Exhaustion – expect lots of naps!
• and more….

On top of that, my anxiety was certainly heightened. I felt the depressive nature of my thoughts kicking in and I felt uncertain about who I was now and what my role IN LIFE would be once I was a mother.

While I don’t feel like myself, or ever have full days without ANY nausea, there is less of it and I’m able to integrate more things that feel like “me.”

I remember desperately texting my best friend Julie, who’s a mom of 2 asking HOW she did this twice! She said, “you just forget how bad it is!” It felt crazy to me as I laid in bed curled up unable to imagine how I could ever sign myself up for this again.

But I can already tell you now that I’m crossing the line to the good side, I see how it happens.

Things started to get WAY better around week 12+ 13.

I’m now in my 2nd trimester and I’m loving my little bump!!

My hair even looks thicker and more luscious (if I do say so myself), and although I have new fears and worries,

I’m ALSO EXCITED about what’s in store.

While the first-trimester reeallllly does suck, it does get better and you’ll feel like YOU soon.

If you’re in the thick of it, just know, if I can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS.

One day at a time, my loves. One.Day.at.A.Time!